The Blithe Effect

Hi all. Remember the last post I wrote to you from the aeroplane bound for Queensland? Well, what an eventful flight that ended up being.

Just after I had finished my post, we were calmly sitting in our seats reading and talking when we started to land. You know this is happening because the plane feels like its flying slightly downwards and your ears start to pop a little. This went on for a while, this slow, gradual descent, when suddenly the plane lurched upwards and the engines roared like a rocket taking off. My heart leapt and my eyes looked wildly around. My youngest son gasped and grabbed my hand, my eldest son went very pale. I looked around the plane and although no-one was making much noise people were distressed, glancing at the other passengers around them and gripping their seats a little tighter, fear and worry flashing across their faces.

I murmured to my youngest, who had now buried his head in my lap, “It’s ok, it’s alright darling”. But my heart and thoughts had turned to dread. “We are dying”, I thought. “This plane is crashing and we are going to be killed”,I told myself. I felt ridiculously dramatic on one hand but I also felt control slipping away and panic starting to set in as the plane was still flying upwards, engines revving, going faster and faster as if urgently trying to save itself.

Amidst all this turmoil and my wild thoughts, I glanced across the aisle at an elderly man who was reading his newspaper. He hadn’t moved, he looked absolutely undisturbed, relaxed and calm. I kept looking at him. He wasn’t distressed and he was emitting a stable, peaceful and serene air. I felt myself begin to relax, I started thinking, “Maybe we are ok, he doesn’t look worried, maybe he knows something I don’t, maybe it’s all ok”. I found myself drawing on his calm, pulling myself together and knowing that indeed if this plane was going down I needed to be brave for my sons. I needed to control my thoughts, keep it all together, think of them and above all, calm down.

Just as I was starting to quiet my thoughts and focus, the pilot spoke over the loud speaker. Apparently, the weather had deteriorated and we weren’t able to land just yet (hence the dramatic up-turn of the plane). We were going to fly out over the ocean for 15 minutes then come back and try again, otherwise we would be rerouted.

Everyone relaxed, we all knew what was going on. The plane wasn’t crashing, we weren’t going to die. People started grinning and giggling and talking to each other with relieved expressions on their faces. I spoke with the boys, laughed with the people across the aisle and relaxed.

The second attempt at landing also went pear shaped with the same dramatic woosh upwards but this time we all oohed and aahed and chatted to each other. The panic was gone and in it’s place a camaraderie and the promise of a good story to tell our friends and family when we landed.

Now when I think about it, apart from feeling a little foolish and also not wanting to experience that feeling again any time soon, I am interested in what I learnt. I am under no illusions that I would be totally cool and keep it together completely if the plane really did go down (though I would like to think I would) but I did learn I could control some of my panic. I could talk to myself, draw strength from others around me and keep going. I could take the focus off my own needs and help others (admittedly my children, but I’m giving myself kudos anyway). I could go through something emotionally challenging and not fall apart. I learnt that not knowing is far worse than knowing and that along with that my head can imagine terrible things where terrible things do not necessarily exist.

Life throws things at us all the time. Can you remember what you learnt from your last panic or crisis?

I am sure that if we can gain some meaning from our experiences they help us to live our lives with an increase in tolerance of the human condition, an increased awareness of what we have (as opposed to what we don’t have) and learning life lessons that will serve us well if we remember and embrace them.

It’s all good.

Today I was reading Christopher Fosters latest post on his blog The Happy Seeker. It was called The 6 Keys To Wellness and discusses the idea of being well and living a balanced life. His post and it’s links to a study on wellness made me stop and think.

What do I do to take care of myself? I have posted before about Do You Use Daily Rituals To Bring More Fun To Your Life? But is that enough. I have been reading recently about creativity. Self care and the ability to think creatively are directly linked. One of the cornerstones of creativity (and I use that word in the broadest sense to also include things like solving problems, linking new ideas together, seeing patterns etc) is being allowed the time and space to just relax, to hang out and to just “blah”. I find my “blah” time these days occurs in the shower or when I’m driving. Every other part of my day is filled with communicating, organising, researching, preparing, engaging, cooking, cleaning and all those other do- ings we spend our time on.

Is that proper self care, a 5 minute shower and 20 minute commute? Is that enough time for me to pause, think, reflect, relax, engage in new ideas, look at things from a different perspective and maybe act on some of these new insights? Not a chance!

How’s my all round wellness looking….not that hot! And I know that because recently we had some family stuff going on that meant my capacity to cope overflowed. My work and current demands are on my uppermost limit, so then when something else got thrown into the mix, my stress levels rose. I got sick (in fact the whole family got sick), my neck problems flared up, I got short-tempered with the kids (sorry boys) and my husband and I started fighting. Good times all round at our house!

The terrible thing was I could really see what was happening but couldn’t see a way out of it. I felt stuck in my stress and a little powerless and helpless to make any changes that were needed. Self-care, I now see, was the missing element. My wellness and my ability to cope was stymied because I wasn’t taking proper care of myself. My creativity, my natural exuberance and positivity was lost on a sea of anxiety, conflict and stress. Sound familiar anyone?

I’m not going to list things you can do to take better care of you. You can work that out for yourself. Just think about it for a minute and you will know what self care practices work best for you.

Just remember to do them. (Yes, I’m talking to myself as well.) You will feel better. Promise.

There are many things we may say we want in life, maybe to be rich, to never have to work, to be irresistible to the opposite sex, to be famous, to be the best at our chosen vocation…..the list is long.

And although that stuff can be great, lets get real for a minute here. I believe that deep down, really, mostly, we all just want to feel moments of happiness everyday and be loved unconditionally for who we are. Am I right??

But how to get that, how to feel loved and accepted. This whole blog is based on the premise that what you put out into the world, you get back. If you put out joy, happiness and blithe, you’ll get that back in a multitude of ways. So what do we actually need to put out to produce happiness and love in our lives.

Let’s look at these.

1. Put out positivity - I’m not talking pie in the sky my life’s perfect kind of stuff. What I’m talking about is a general world view that looks at the upside of things. A view that can see the good in a situation that may not be that great.

2. Put out laughter - People like to be around happy people. Laugh at peoples jokes and smile at them (and keep smiling even if you get a frown back). I have a friend who laughs all the time, he is so popular that we always run into someone he knows when we go out. People love him and warm to him, it is gorgeous to watch him in action.

3. Put out acceptance - lets face it, some people are a little quirky, unusual and even borderline weird. But if you can accept peoples foibles and peculiarities and take them as they come they will love you for it. And hey, they may even extend the same gracious behaviour to you!

4. Don’t put out complaining - I know we all have a little whinge sometimes, thats ok, we all have to get things off our chest, but continual complaining is exhausting and draining to be around. Just stop doing it.

5. Don’t put out an addiction to drama – do you know those people, the ones that always have something terrible happening in their lives? Are you that person? You may think it’s not your fault, things just happen and sometimes that is true, but other times if we are honest with ourselves, it’s not. We have made choices that have not served us well and now the consequences of those decisions are bearing fruit. Not nice fruit.

6. Put out flexibility - roll with the punches, let go of our expectations, be open to change but expect the best, whatever happens.

7. Put out a commitment to lifelong learning – make sure you learn, grow and change. You’ll be way more interesting, less fundamental in your beliefs, more accepting of others and better able to love others differences as you won’t be so scared by them.

8. Put out congruence - DO WHAT YOU SAY YOU WILL. It’s called personal integrity. It’s pretty simple.

9. Put out vulnerability - open yourself to love and happiness. See my post on eliminating shame and becoming more vulnerable.

10. Put out being yourself – yeh, yeh, yeh we’ve all heard this about a gazillion times. So…..are you doing it? Are you being yourself? Or are you hiding your true nature?  Are you only showing the bits you think will be acceptable or only the bits you think the other person wants to see? I can say with total confidence, this won’t make you happy.

11. Put out boundaries – watch out for toxic people. Or as the song says don’t go, “Looking for love in all the wrong places”. Reflect on your relationships, which ones help you feel better about yourself, which ones help you feel stronger. Move in the direction of those relationships and away from anything else. You will be doing yourself a massive favour.

12. Put out courage - yes, it’s scary to put yourself out there. Scary but thrilling. Be brave. Love, happiness and life are waiting for you. Grab it!